Enough Said...

Happy Belated New Years, Valentine's, MLK, etc etc Day!

2011-02-21T20:23:00.005-05:00

Happy 2011!

I know I'm quite late in wishing everyone a Happy New Year, but better late than never right (much like my wedding gift thank you notes)? The wedding came and gone and we celebrated our first Christmas together with my family in Virginia Beach. Despite being at the beach where not much frozen precipitation falls, we experienced a White Christmas, while back at home in Frederick...nothing. Yes, we got trapped there for an extra day, but it was worth skipping a day of work for.

Shortly after, Ezra and I missed the snow in Maryland for our Honeymoon in Puerto Rico. It was a week of bliss.... 85 degree weather, beaches, delicious food... who could ask for more? Our paradisiaca

l vacation wa

s interrupted by having to once again return to earning an income to survive. Hopefully we'll be able to travel again soon.

This year, despite my annual boycott of the mushy overrated holiday filled with flowers, cards, and candy stamped with sweet words that don't guarantee any type of security, I celebrated Valentine's Day with my hubby. I can't even remember the last time I celebrated it. I guess it started years ago when I always was heart broke

n or disappointed by the outcome of this so-called "holiday o' love." So, instead of having my heart smashed into pieces year after year, I celebrated "friend day" or I just didn't celebrate it at all. If I didn't celebrate it, I couldn't get hurt. But this year was different. I'm Not Single Anymore.

I'm married. I have Ezra to share my heart with and there's loyalty, fidelity, and honesty. I'm so grateful for that.

Besides the obvious celebrations of said holidays, life has been just peachy (for the most part, anyway)! I've been delving into literature again and have read some stellar books as I've joined a book club with some of the ladies at my church! I highly recommend "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett for anyone who loves historical fictions. I've also been plowing through "The Lord of the Rings." My hubby got me reading that. I love it! My first time watching the movies w minor as when I first started dating Ezra back in 2009. I enjoyed the trilogy, but I can better envision all the details left out as I read the books! I can't put them down! I read whenever I get a spare moment. It was a little tricky juggling both books, but "The Help" was a teeth clincher too... What happens next? OooohHHh What happens next? I'd ask. My commencement of the series got my best friend, Lori excited about it and she once again picked the books up and started re-reading the series as well.

Wonder Book and Video, here in Frederick, has been one of my newest favorite places to shop as they are a local used and new book store. I indulge myself in finding classic literature that I read for English classes in middle and high school so that I can re-read books. I even found other books from Lauren Weisberger, author of "The Devil Wears Prada." I sure do hope the book I picked out doesn't disappoint.

Church life is going well too. I thought I'd be lost without having so much responsibility and planning dumped on me week after week, like in my last calling as Stake YSA Co-Chair. Being an adviser in the YW (Beehives) program, I can relax a little more and just focus on a smaller group. I love teaching the girls! They're such a great group! I just hope that I can help in their spiritual growth.

Well... that's about it for now. Next big event in my life... my birthday. Gettin' up there. It's the 29th. I'll fill you in later.

All the best......

I got a great man, and a ring on my finger... ;)

2010-11-22T13:36:00.003-05:00

It's really hard for me to believe that I'm finally married (as of 11.06.10). I'm still floating on a dream cloud waiting for someone to pinch me and wake me up! But it's real! And I have the most wonderful husband who sealed the deal with a ring - a symbol of eternity.

It all started last August when Ezra got home from his mission. I didn't know who he was, though his face looked familiar (and I thought he was quite attractive - little did I know he thought the same of me). I was the YSA Ward Rep at the time, so I approached him after Sunday School (where I met him) and asked what he was doing tomorrow. He said "nothing." I said "great! You're coming to FHE then!" To my surprise, he showed up! We then started spending time together in an intimate group of friends, secretly flirting with each other and hoping that one of us would show interest in each other. We both liked each other, but both of us were too nervous to make the first move (I was scared he'd feel awkward that I was older, and he thought I'd feel awkward he was younger). Then after about a month and a half of hanging out in a group of friends, we started spending time one on one. Movies and hiking were our thing.

On October 22nd, we made our relationship official. It was a little unexpected for some that knew us because of how private we kept our liking of each other. After that point, we were pretty much inseparable. Of course we had our ups and downs, doubts and fears, but we grew together and our love for one another grew as well. We talked about getting married lightly early in our relationship, but that talk turned into something more serious. We knew we wanted to get married and couldn't picture our lives without one another. There was a lot more growing we both had to do, but we wanted to do it together.

We started looking at rings. I always wanted to match my husband, so I suggested a two tone ring. He agreed. But instead of choosing one out of a jewelry store showcase, we had our rings made instead.

July 4th weekend we went down to Va Beach. My dad was still in Italy, but there was suspicion of him coming home. Ezra and I spent the weekend on the beach. :) It was pure bliss... just soaking in the sunshine and each other's company. My dad did surprise us by coming home. Ezra was going to ask his permission, but he felt it was a little inappropriate considering he just met my dad.... so we headed back to Maryland without a ring on my hand. He went down a few weeks later (with friends Jake and Robert as moral support) and nervously asked my parents' permission. He said that was the hardest thing he had to do!

He took me out to see "Inception" on August 3rd. This was our usual date night. As we got back to his place, we just sat outside for a few minutes before heading in. He kissed me and then just sat and looked into my eyes for a moment. He took out the ring and asked, "Joycelyn Cespedes, would you be my wife?" I said yes!

So our engagement wasn't exactly Hollywood material (with tons of people around cheering us on), but it was intimate and still very sentimental.... just the way I wanted it. Mind you... we just watched "Inception," so I had to make sure I wasn't just dreaming! It felt so surreal... just the way it's supposed to feel! We held each other for a few more moments taking in the events of what just happened!

Then commenced the wedding plans. There was a lot of heart aches and tears in getting these plans together. Some plans my parents agreed with, others they didn't. I compromised on a lot of things because my parents helped pay for the whole wedding. I'm grateful for their help... and I wouldn't have changed a thing!

It was a short engagement.... 3 months. There was so much to do and so little time, but I'm surprised how well I kept my cool throughout the whole thing. There were times I wanted to throw in the towel and not even get married anymore, but I endured through the fire and it was so worth it!

Though I didn't get married in the temple first, I'm glad we started off with a chapel marriage. There was a lot of pressure for us to get married in the temple (I even decided on a chapel marriage because of pressure). There were people asking our bishop what we were doing (since we were both endowed and worthy of a temple marriage) and others who tried to force their opinions on us through guilt. But in the end, we're grateful we made the decisions we made and wouldn't have had our marriage any other way. We're glad our family and friends all got to be a part of it, and there was such a wonderful spirit there.

I'm so grateful for the ordinance of marriage. I guess I'm still in dreamworld thinking that this is all going to vanish when I wake up because I never thought marriage would be a reality for me. But it is.... and it can be for anyone. I'm so grateful to have Ezra as my husband... who loves me unconditionally... and who is there to share my joys and my pain. I can't wait to get sealed in the temple, and for our future children (and I hope they have blue eyes like Ezra!). I'm so excited about our new life together, and to bond our two families together!

Affirming Faith In Christ

2010-04-27T15:56:00.002-04:00

My, my, my. My last post was July 1st, 2009... and it is now.... April 27th, 2010? Talk about being M.I.A. Though my blog entries haven't been as regular as my journal entries, I still have other means of keeping you folks informed (facebook?).

Well.... lots has happened since last year and the beginning of this year.

I moved into yet a new place, I finally got a great guy for a boyfriend (Ezra, a RM who served in Uruguay), I got called as one of the Frederick Stake YSA Co-Chairs, I gave my first talk at sacrament meeting, and I have gained a stronger testimony of Christ and Heavenly Father. Who knew that my life would be turned around for the better in such a short time period!

To put it plainly, Heavenly Father is truly amazing! I've been sharing this a lot lately, since it happened just a couple weeks ago. I got to give my first talk in the Damascus Ward on April 18, 2010. The topic assigned to me, as well as President Beck (our 1st counselor in the Stake Presidency) was "Affirming Faith in Christ." It was quite a vague topic... I always get stuck with those types of topics to teach a lesson on and what not. But this was my first talk! And it wasn't even in my home ward. I guess that made it easier...

Anyway I'm rambling. So that week, as I was preparing for my talk, I had such strong and powerful affirmations from the Spirit on how I should approach this topic. Let's just say my Bishop (having requested a meeting with me to meet with him) as well as Institute, gave me just the inspiration I needed to prepare for this daunting task (Note: Joyce gets stage fright and nervous when public speaking). I had a really cool experience early Friday morning, April 16th, as I was just waking and trying to drag myself out of bed. I began speaking as though I was addressing the members of the Damascus Ward. However, I felt as though I was the one listening... I wasn't speaking at all. It was the Spirit witnessing to me the grace of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I then had the basis and core of my talk.

So where did all this inspiration come from? Let's rewind to my meeting with Bishop Duke earlier that Wednesday evening. I was a little worried I was in trouble when he requested the appointment. I wasn't in trouble at all. He sat me down and asked how I was doing... what was new in my life? And then he started to ask me a series of questions...some of which included: What do you know about Jesus Christ and His role as Savior and Redeemer? Do you know that He lives? And how do you know? I knew because I could feel the Holy Ghost surround me. But what happened to all that bad stuff? and how I felt when it happened? Bishop then expressed his testimony of the power of the Atonement. It does that... it takes away our heavy burdens and dissipates the weight so we no longer feel their strain on our backs and in our lives.

Bishop Duke then asked me a few more questions.... and then explained to me that they were some samples of the questions asked in a temple recommend interview. Now I haven't always been the greatest member of the church, nor the one with the strongest testimony, but I keep working my way on the path of righteousness with the help of those who love and support me... those who truly believe in me... and with the help of my Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ. And because I have those who believe in me, and because I'm trusting in the Lord, I'm about 6 months (maybe a little more) away from potentially getting to go to the temple! I never thought I'd see the day...especially since I had been falling into satan's traps along the way. His traps were so enticing that it almost cost my membership in the church. I'm so grateful I have a wonderful Bishop, family, church family, and friends, who have stood beside me in my quest to one day enter the temple.

While I was preparing for my talk, I was reading President Monson's conference talk, "He Is Risen." He touched on a story about an 11 year old boy who was diagnosed with some illness and was constantly in and out of the hospital. As his dad was talking to him one night, thinking he was asleep, the father told his son to never lose his faith in Christ. Not knowing the little boy was listening, he answered his father, "NEVER." This boy was 11 years old. What a strong testimony he had at such a young age. It makes you stop to think, "Is my testimony of the Savior that strong?"

I know that as I continue to trust the Lord and follow His commandments, and pray and seek for spiritual guidance that my faith in Him will be strengthened in these perilous times. I know that as I seek the kingdom of God, I will soon be able to make and keep temple covenants, which looked so unreachable at one point. I'm so grateful to be here in this day and age to be able to stand as a witness of God and reach out to all those who are in need of rescuing. ...I know my life has been saved.

Moving up because I'm Destined for Directorship!

2009-07-01T11:57:00.002-04:00

Okay so I noticed that it's been quite awhile since I've blogged about anything on here. I believe it was right after my birthday. Since then I was talking/seeing some guys who I was interested in, but those relationships failed. I would normally sulk in pity and wonder what's wrong with me, but the tides have changed. There's nothing wrong with me... I'm an amazing woman, and any guy who can't see that...well... that's their loss.

I decided to take on the challenge of training and fund raising for another marathon with Team In Training (TNT). This time it's the Marine Corps Marathon. Training has definitely been interesting since the MD team is quite small. This time around, I'm a mentor. That's definitely been a challenge as I'm not that great of a runner. Check out my webpage to get updates on training... http://pages.teamintraining.org/md/corps09/jcespedes

I've also decided to re-amp my Mary Kay business since I've been in a lil bit of a bind lately. I thought about getting a second job, and then realized... hello! I can set my own schedule with my business! And... I want a Pink Cadillac! With Mary Kay I CHOOSE to want to move up. I CHOOSE my salary. I CHOOSE my prizes. I CHOOSE who I want to work with. I CHOOSE. All while helping others to achieve their dreams and being of service to others. I love knowing that helping others is part of what I do. http://www.marykay.com/joycelyn.cespedes

So all in all, life's good despite the trials that I've been put through to test my testimony in my faith. I know there are lessons to be learned from them and they continue to make me stronger. I can't wait for the blessings Heavenly Father has in store for me once I overcome my trials.

Check in for more later.....

Another year older....

2009-03-11T10:36:00.003-04:00

I just celebrated yet another year of life last Saturday. It's hard to imagine how fast the years seem to go by as life progresses. You look back at pictures of yester-year and can hardly believe you were a little girl in pigtails, running around in tu-tus and bright rouge makeup for dance recitals. There's a little fear that sets in as days pass... but it's nice to know that there's so much more after yet to celebrate.

March 7, 2009.

I only got about 3.5 hours of sleep the night before because I got to my sister's house pretty late after Latin dancing in Sterling. I tried to get a little shut eye before having to take them to the airport in the morning. How is it that everyone (or most everyone) in my familiy is out of the country or going out of the country on my birthday besides me? At least I had the nice weather to look forward to. Anyway... 2:30am rolls around and I wake up to my niece crying upstairs. My sister walks into her room to calm her, and I go back to bed. My phone keeps going off.... sleep. Then Alyssa starts crying again ~3:30am. No way! I may as well get up now since I'll have to be up in the next half an hour or so.....

I have breakfast with my sister, my brother-in-law, and my niece. We pack my car and head down to Reagan around 530am. After I drop them off, I take my time and head over to Gravelly Point Park to watch the sun rising over the Potomac. It's a gorgeous view and not too cold. I take some time to catch up in my journal and enjoy the passing of cyclers and runners. I wish I had my bike at this point.... I head down to Loudon County to commence the hours of studying yet to be done... but first, Emerline needs a carwash...

Studying was quite the disaster. My friends were an influence on my unproductivity as they suggested I take the day off and enjoy my birthday. So I did just that. Some church friends got together to enjoy the 70 degree weather... I enjoyed leisurely reading a book I started instead, and then took a quick nap.

We gathered at the Cheesecake Factory around 7pm. I had already grabbed some pagers, as a 20+ party would require about a 2.5 hour wait. No way! We split up into groups of 5 or 6. I couldn't believe how many people actually showed up! More of my friends showed up as the night progressed.... and I made my rounds to talk to the different tables. Jessica surprised me with a monstrous birthday creation along with everyone at her table coming to sing me happy birthday.... =D

We then headed over to Bowl-America. Some friends from dinner left, while others showed up to bowl. It was sooooooooooooooooo much fun. We bowled, we danced, and we laughed. The Cupid Shuffle and the Macarena were our faves, and we weven got the party next to us dancing! Ha! My friends rock! =D

I am so grateful for the family and friends that I have. This turned out to be the absolute best birthday I've had in YEARS!!!! I haven't had this much fun in a longggggggggggggggg time! Thanks everyone! I love yall!

"A Soulful Relationship"

2009-03-11T10:33:00.000-04:00

Thanks for sharing this one, Crystal! You're awesome girl! =D

A Soulful Relationship
By Reverend Ronald McFadden

If you're not married yet, share
this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or
other married couples and reflect on it. An African proverb states,
'Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close
one eye.'

Before you get involved and make
a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to
warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can
change someone or that what you see as faults are not really important.

Once you decide to commit to
someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and
differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the
relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye
and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many
different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and
strengths. You are two unique individuals who have decided to share a
life together.

Neither of you are perfect, but
are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best of each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you
bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the
altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make
someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a
life', you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your
happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy,
deceitfulness, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a
thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.

Seeking status, sex, wealth, and
security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

Q. What keeps a relationship
strong?

Answer: Communication, intimacy
(not sex), trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some
getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, a
shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note), sharing common goals
and interests. Leave a nice message on their voice mail or send a nice
email.

Growth is important. Grow
together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow
without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You
can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and
assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another.

Learn each others family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless.

Don't put pressure on each other
for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these
qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment,
withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain will replace the
passion.

'Nurture your mind with great
thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.' The grass
withers, the flowers fades, but the word of God stands forever.
Isaiah 40:8. Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight?

Always to try to be a little
kinder than is necessary. The difference between 'United' and 'Untied'
is where you put the 'I'. Life is not measured by the number of breaths
we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Are you serious?

2009-02-17T08:55:00.005-05:00

After a few recent failed attempts at starting a potential relationship (could you even call it that if you're friends with the guy and just getting to know more about one another with the possibility of starting something more serious?) I decided to try my hand at this internet dating thing. I had been on a couple of sites before for non-dating purposes, if you get where I'm going with that. Anyway... so I added this "Speeddate" application on facebook, not really looking for a relationship, but more networking. All I have to say is WOW! What the heck?

So I got an email from this one guy, part filipino... cool. He just moved here from Guam. He's a bit younger, but I don't mind meeting all types of people. He seemed pretty cool until he tried to convince me that my beliefs were wrong regarding a relationship. My faith is a big part of me, and I don't see a relationship getting any further than dates here and there unless the person shares the same faith as me (That's just my own personal standard; to each his own). Ummm yeah... that was a no-go. Keeping in touch, no problem. Relationship... no.

Then along comes bachelor number two. So he doesn't share the same faith, but that's okay... I'm just here to meet new people right? He looks decent in appearance, has a master's degree, lives in the surrounding area. He wants my email address to find me on facebook. Slow down buddy, we can chat first... no need to be all up in my business ya know? So we IM back and forth... and he seems like he's in a bit of a rush. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. So on we go chatting away. He asks if I want to go on a date. Sure. He mentions some club in DC, I tell him I don't go clubbing. He insists anyway (does he need a hearing aid? or should I say a new prescription?). Fine. I figure, it's in a public place and I'm under no obligation to stay if I don't like the guy, right?

It gets better. We were thinking a Friday evening date since Fridays are my study breaks from MCAT studying. I thought maybe I'll just hop the metro to DC after ice skating in Alexandria. But then he pops the big question: Do you want to give me a ride to DC (he sold his car so he doesn't have one at the current moment)? WHAT? Are you serious? You want to ask me out on a date and then ASK ME to pick YOU up? Ummmmm NO. First of all I'm an hour away in MD (which by the way I already mentioned to him), but then he responds, "not my fault..I thought u lived in ashburn & dat's why I hit on you." I'm finding this hilarious. Does he really pick up women that way? Too funny. This is my entertainment at this point, trying to figure out what he'll say next.

I end up telling the guy that when he gets his car back that maybe we can meet up somewhere then. He tells me he doesn't have the patience to wait that long, but I really don't see how that's my problem at all. And then he stops talking for awhile, only to come back and tell me that this distance between us is a problem. I'm confused. I don't remember ever being in relationship with him. Hmmmm... so he thinks I'm just a booty call? Oh heck no. You can take your carless behind to DC on the bus and hang out at the club by yourself. LOL.

I just have one question... ARE YOU SERIOUS?

It somehow fits together... like a puzzle...

2009-02-13T12:41:00.003-05:00

Once again I've gotten entangled in this thing called life. I've been bombarded by a myriad of events, both pleasant and ineventful.

After the whole fiasco with the ex, I started talking to the most amazing guy. He was one of the sweetest guys I have encountered in such a long time. We hit it off pretty well and started to spend time together. We talked. Our interests were the same, we're of the same faith, and I was definitely attracted to him. Yet, life has a way of sometimes putting a strain on a good thing. Needless to say, I'm once again swimming far off coast with nobody else around.

But maybe it's a good thing. Instead of moping over the loss of a potential relationship, I've re-focused myself on my priorities (MCATs, career, health, etc) and am more aggressive/proactive in staying positive. I'm proud to say that I've been losing all the stress weight I gained over all these years of staying with my ex. I start off every day at the gym or doing some form of physical activity to get down to my goal size/weight. My diet has changed; healthy lifestyle changes have caused the way I view what is put in my body. I look better, I feel better, and I'm starting to put on my cute clothes that have been hiding in boxes. Co-workers and friends alike have seen this new fervor in me. =D

I feel a renewal of life and the potential of success soon to come. Life is good!

First Friday Study Break!

2009-02-06T09:16:00.003-05:00

WHEW! I have had one longgggggggggggggggg week of studying for the MCATs. I started my first prep class on January 29th and have been playing catch up since. Our first class actually got rescheduled due to the snow on the 27th. Can I just say how incredibly stupid I felt taking my diagnostic test? I haven't had some of those classes in over 7 years! I couldn't remember a lot of the things that were covered... and I honestly stink at Physics... always have (well maybe not... I just didn't put in as much effort as I should have in high school)!

Since then I've been going non-stop trying to get online homework and reading done for the class; not to mention all the optional tests we have available to us strengthen our areas of weakness. Yesterday was my first official break. I had to take the day off. My body just couldn't take it anymore. I was starting to get delirious and shaky, and I was having trouble sleeping even though I was exhausted. But even yesterday's break wasn't enough. Oh well... such is life. Prepping for the MCATs may be a simulation of what sleep deprivation is like in Med School, and if it is, I'm getting first hand experience! ha!

I've designated Fridays as my night off from studying. I am sooooooooooooo excited about tonight! I get to chill with friends, relax, have fun, and maybe cuddle up to a cute new guy. ;-) Can't wait. After this past week, I think I deserve it.

The Ex- Factor

2009-01-20T09:51:00.003-05:00

Maybe the long distance relationship just wasn't working. Maybe they had some quirk that you couldn't deal with. Maybe your families just didn't mesh. Maybe there was an addiction or abuse or even infidelity. Whatever the case may be, that person is your EX for a reason.

I loved him... with all my heart. And to this day I hate to admit that I still do. That's how much I gave of myself. But love comes at a risk. It makes you vulnerable... and in the wrong cases, weak.

The end of last year was incredibly difficult in coping with so many issues life threw at me. Many times I found myself alone, trying to figure out why this all was happening. I kept my faith and allowed Heavenly Father to edify me in His countenance. I helped myself to become strong enough to be on my own, not needing the companionship of another. And then I got caught off guard...

These days I'm only in contact with my ex for business reasons. I happened to call about an important issue. I was silly to answer his return call a few minutes later... and then it all went downhill from there....

He told me things that any girl in my position would probably want to hear. He apologized for his actions when we were together, how he thought of me every day in his thoughts and dreams, told me of his family's feelings towards his new girlfriend (or fiance), his feelings for her, how he knew I was the one he was meant to marry and start a family with, and how he wished he could take everything back. He told me how he would love to make it work between us again, but it was just not feasible because of how my family felt after all I had been through. In a way, my heart longed to hear that... to know that he still wanted me. And once again he tried to capture my heart... the very heart he shattered into a million pieces.

I tried my best to be a friend and hear him out. I forgave him for all the things he did to try and break me. Yet my heart ached and tears fell with those words... and thoughts of the love I gave him belonging to someone else. Even if it were to happen again, the love would be tainted with misery and pain. My love for him had been so pure, yet his fear of commitment to just one person kept him from returning love in the same way. Why was he doing all this to me again? Is he being sincere? Does he truly love me? Can he change? Has he changed? He told me that he could be the man I needed - that he could fulfill all the points on my list for a potential husband. But the thing is... he is not the one in this time and place. There are yet so many things he has to work on to even come close to what I want and need. And who knows if he'll even be that person when I'm ready to start loving someone again.

He said I played games. And maybe I did, but maybe because he had me so torn and confused once again. And to top it all off, he had lied to me about his situation with his girlfriend/fiance. Who knows... he was probably lying to both of us, which really wouldn't surprise me. After an accidental call my phone had made while I was on the way home from a party, she answered his phone! Funny thing is, he never allowed me to even think about his phone. He hid it away or would bring it in the bathroom with him and lock it up because he didn't want me to find out of his unfaithfulness. Because of all that I happened to "stir up the household." But I was under the impression of their "understanding" that he was still in love with me and that he still had my heart. What a crock of lies!

He attempted to come up to my place to see me, which sounds romantic (romantic movies have ruined me for life!), but really stupid. As much as I wanted to see him one last time and hear the words of him fighting for us, I knew it wasn't in Heavenly Father's plan for me. I started to feel pain and darkness in my heart. These feelings are not of God's. He insisted anyway... but then did just what I thought he would do... he didn't follow through. In the time I was with him, he had never been a man of his word... and this moment confirmed just that. Then he denied everything he said or wrote me... all in front of his fiance... and twisted the story once again to make me out to be the liar and crazy person. Go figure.

In talking to her, it's pretty sad that he's still doing the same things with her... seeing as how yet another girl from his past has started to call again. Hmmmm...

He was the one playing games. He hadn't changed one bit.

Maybe he still does love me. Maybe I am still the one who he longs for and wishes that I was the one he was marrying. Maybe his apologies and stories were sincere. But I don't know... I don't think anyone ever will. But I do know that I will never allow him to make me feel so much pain again. He tried to get me this second time around, but I'm not willing to sacrifice eternal happiness for possibilities.

There's a reason for an ex being an ex. And a reason why that person should stay just that.

So if you're reading this, maybe one day we can truly be friends, but right now you don't even deserve that. I pray that one day you'll finally see the truth and happiness in the gospel that you know so much about, but neglect the principles of. I pray that you'll stop making excuses about not being in church and be man enough to face up to your faults and find humility to ask for forgiveness.

Ex-Factor
by Lauryn Hill

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Hook:
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me

Enduring to the End...

2009-01-16T10:21:00.003-05:00

Last night we learned a valuable lesson at Institute. Our institute teacher, Brother Monson, read us the story "The Nightingale and the Rose," by Oscar Wilde. For those of you wanting to read it, here's the link: http://www.literaturecollection.com/a/wilde/330/

We then proceeded to read Mark, Chapters 14-16 (The Atonement) and discussed it in detail.

Institute was then finished off with an object lesson. Brother Monson needed a volunteer with 4 characteristics:

1. The person cannot be a quitter
2. Strength is a factor
3. The person should have a high threshold for pain
4. The motive in being the volunteer must be pure.

I volunteered myself. I'm not a big fan of getting up in front of people and doing things, but I could say that I would go through pain and suffering for my friends. Besides, they had been my family away from my family when I felt alone. Why not?

The rewards: Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

The Challenge: 5 push-ups for everyone in the room

The Twist: 5 push-ups whether they wanted the doughnut or not.

Some said they didn't want one because they didn't want to see me suffer. When they figured out the purpose, some said Yes, and sometimes they wanted even 2 doughnuts! I paid the price for both the Yes'es and the No's... and double if they asked for seconds. My muscles started to grow weak, for I had to go all the way down and touch my nose to the floor and come back up. At one point I felt like I couldn't bring myself back up from the down position. But nobody could help me. I had do to this on my own. I volunteered myself. And it didn't matter whether they said yes or no. We got around 3/4 of the classroom, but I didn't have anything left.

This lesson ends in failure for everyone who attempts. It usually results in fatigue and pain, but nothing even close to what the Savior endured for us. He endured more pain that we can ever imagine just because He loved us... and He had to do it alone. Even Heavenly Father, Himself, could not be there while Jesus Christ died on the cross. Jesus asked for prayers that He might not fail. But those He asked fell asleep. He didn't have to suffer for us, but He wanted us to be happy.

We cannot physically endure the pains Christ suffered for us. Nobody, except he, would have been able to. He was chosen and gave his life for us.

I'm so grateful for the Atonement and how it has changed my life. For many times I fell, but have been forgiven and cleansed. Let us always remember the eternal gift of the Atonement... the ultimate sacrifice Christ gave us so that we might return to live with our Father in Heaven.

My First Marathon! 26.2 @ Walt Disney Baby!

2009-01-15T11:07:00.009-05:00

Disney World Marathon - Results
Orlando, FL USA
January 11, 2009
Finishers: 14927, Males - 7793 , Females - 7134
Male Winner: 2:20:38 | Female Winner: 2:46:27
Average Finish Time: 5:08:09 | STD: 0:58:21

I had the most amazing weekend at Walt Disney World in sunny Orlando, Florida. I hadn't been to Disney since I was 8 years old, and this time returned to participate in the Walt Disney World Marathon. I got to see Disney in ways many people will never experience it...and all for a Great cause! I joined the Team In Training Marathon team (TNT MD) this season to help raise money for blood cancer research again with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. This year I added quite a few more Personal Honored Teammates to my roster.

The marathon was more than just a race. It was enduring 26.2 miles of pain and doubt. Let me just tell you that it was fun to see all the different theme parks in a different way. The characters were so much fun to see and take pictures with. But it wasn't all fun and games. About 18 miles into the run I started to hurt. My feet started to blister, my stomach wasn't digesting the nutrition I was putting in my body, I was starting to get dehydrated from the heat, and my body was shaking from the pain. I wanted to quit, especially at mile 20 after a pretty big hill. But I only had 6.2 miles to go. How selfish it would have been of me to quit then. I was in such extreme pain and was mentally fatigued (imagine... it was almost a full work day of running). But then I thought about all the cancer patients that fight every single day of their lives and endure harder and more painful trials than what I was experiencing. I thought about all the people I was running for...

The crowd, the characters and other participants helped to re-energize my thoughts and will power. But seeing all the purple jerseys around me and the purpose of why we were out there running helped me push through the doubt I had of finishing (even finishing before the cut off time) and all the pain. I met Wendy, from another Team In Training Chapter. We were both experiencing similar pains... and we vowed to finish together. And that we did.

This was such an emotional experience for me. I admit, I cried after I crossed the finish line. Most people know that I absolutely hate running. I chose the triathlon box from the TNT flyer when I first got involved with the LLS. A marathon was the last thing on my mind. And to cross the finish line at the Walt Disney World Marathon proved to myself that I could do anything... especially after all the turmoil in my life last year. But not only that, I have helped to save lives of thousands of people all over the world and a cure for blood cancers IS turning into a reality!

JOYCELYN CESPEDES, 07:02:55 @ Finish. Pace 16:07 . Walt Disney World Marathon and Half Marathon presented by CIGNA, Disney
Destinations LLC.

Thank you to the real heroes on our team: all the cancer patients and survivors.

Here is my list of Personal Honored Teammates:

*In memory of my cousin, Francis Agana, who lost the battle to Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma while I was still in middle school

*In honor of my uncle, Rey Castillo, a Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma survivor, and a member of the PAMET-VA family

*In honor of Mr. Arthur Feller, a Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma Survivor, who also lost his father to Non-Hodgkins.

*In honor of Mr. Willie Vasser, a family friend and leukemia survivor; and in memory of his son, Brian Vasser, who passed away from leukemia.

*In honor of Mrs. Berry C. Cannon, a cousin's Mother-in-Law and a leukemia survivor.

*In honor of Brother Harold Virgin, a lymphoma survivor and a part of my church family.

*In honor of Benjamin Montano, a family friend and Leukemia survivor.

*In honor of Shauna Mae Cancio, a patient and Leukemia fighter at CHKD in Norfolk, VA.

*In memory of Alex Fernandez, late husband of a family friend who lost the battle to Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. He also lost his brother, Javier to A.L.L.