My heart went out to each of these people.
There's a common theme amongst all these stories. These victims were harmed by those who they trusted and thought loved them; some, even the closest to them - family. And... they never expected this to happen to them.
Most of us put on a smile for you, when deep down we're hurting. tormented. trapped inside a prison we cannot escape. Who can we talk to? Who can we trust? What is even true anymore?
In speaking to a friend recently, she too, went through something similar. One thing that happens in such circumstances is that you lose a lot of friends, and family gets pushed away. I experienced this first hand. I know there were some friendships that I have lost along the way, and I hope that one day I can rekindle them once again. I almost lost my best friends in my ex's process of alienating me from my friends and family. And there were friends who I reached out to who didn't recognize this person I had become - the happy, independent, strong girl they knew no longer existed. The sad part was... I wasn't sure how to find that girl again (at the time).
I know I was pretty vague in my initial testimony, as I was so scared to put it out there in the open. For awhile, I felt like I carried my own Scarlet Letter. A letter that would brand and stigmatize me. There are people out there who will probably roll their eyes, thinking that I'm just doing this for attention. I'm not. This. Is. Real. This is part of me. This problem exists, and I will do all in my power to help those who are experiencing something similar. I think it's important that we talk about this... just like we would if we spent time together every day. This process allows victims, like myself, to heal... and to help heal others.
I read this article called "Identifying Emotional Abuse Before It Happens" by Kendra Davis. Her experience is much like the experiences of a lot of people who have experienced domestic violence and abuse. I saw much of my own experiences in this article.
It started out as a fling in college...
His words were smooth, and touched the heart of a hopeless romantic like myself. Who wouldn't want to hear that you're the most beautiful girl? It's what any girl would want to hear, right? But I didn't catch the signs because I was too caught up. Too in denial to break free from this rosy fantasy I got myself into. Too naive to believe that he would want anyone else... and I believed him when he said he called all his female friends "babe" and the other girls were just "crazy." So why is a girl hitting me at a party over him?
As we made our relationship official and it got more serious, he said he wanted to marry me in the temple! I didn't know what that meant at the time, but that sounded pretty important! That must mean something, right? He even took me down to meet his grandma - the most integral woman in his life. This means he wants me to be in his life forever, right? Maybe making big financial decisions was a sign that he was ready to marry me, too.
Then why are all these girls constantly calling? Whose numbers keep showing up on my phone bill at 3am, when he claims he's too tired to talk? Lies. Lies, lies lies. And once I started to call him on it, he got angry. His anger only grew because of how often he had to lie.. and to whom.
I soon found myself with his arms around my neck, and him telling me that nobody would ever want me anyway... making me believe he really loved me, and that's why he stuck around. I'd end up bruised... but nobody ever saw. I always tried to cover it up. "He'll change," I thought. "He'll realize what a great woman I am."
And still I stayed. I knew all along about all his girls on the side. I was just in denial. But that was my world. I felt I had barely anything left... not too many friends, but the ones who were patient enough to keep me afloat through all of this. If he left me, I'd lose myself... that's who I was. I was [his] girl. I no longer had an identity of my own.
I was even led to believe I was crazy. And maybe I was at some point during that relationship. I started to believe him... so much that I went to see a counselor to find out if I was or not. What people don't understand is that when you go through that much trauma, your whole chemical balance and mentality begins to change. I probably did act crazy, but it was my only way of coping and fighting for my life.
With him, there was something I always needed to do... or something he always hated about my lifestyle. I needed to lose 10 lbs. He hated that I wore my Team In Training shirt. He didn't like the idea of me possibly going into the military. He didn't want me to move to Maryland. He hated that I didn't want to wait for him to finish school, so that I could go back. I didn't have tough enough skin. I wasn't loyal enough to him to trust him when these girls would try and "stir the pot." There was always something... I just didn't realize that the "somethings" that benefited me, were the things he feared. Feared, because it was making me more independent. You see, that's what abusers do... they don't want you to succeed, because then they have no more control over you.
Finding myself in Christ, running a triathlon, and going back to school were the rocks I needed to hoist myself up from the hell I was living in. They were just the leverage I needed to start to become a person with an identity again. And he didn't like that at all. The more I started to call him out on his dirty dealings, the more angry he became. He couldn't keep up with all his lies and still keep me too. That's when I found myself staring down the barrel of a gun... and a knife at my neck, being asked if I wanted to die.
The last memory I have of him is of him dragging me out of his apartment by the hair, after having pinned me against the wall with his arms around my neck. I decided that day, that that was the last straw - the one that broke the camel's back. I needed out, and this was my chance! He tried to "apologize" and tell me he loved me, but it was too late. I was empty... and I had had enough!
Of course he tried to have the last say in how our relationship went down, because that's another thing abusers do. They make you feel guilt and make you feel like they're the only ones you could ever love, or that would ever love you. They make you feel so deeply so that they can maintain that control, and try to come back later on down the road. He had me for a second... until I realized is M.O. No more... I wasn't doing it anymore! His new love interest could have all of it! I didn't want anymore lies, infidelity, pain, and abuse.
Years of torment, fear, and insecurity followed me years after getting out of that relationship. I was lucky enough, like I mentioned in my previous post, to have found someone who loved me despite being broken and carrying a ton of baggage. My husband has been so patient, so kind, and so understanding. He never judged me for my past, and helped me to heal through all the horrible nightmares I had to endure. I endured them for five years, and recently [in my dream] I told [him] "I'M DONE!" It was then that he no longer had any more power over me... not even my dreams!
One common thread that binds all these people together, regardless if they know each other or not, is that we are survivors... and we have found strength and hope from our circumstances. Though this is still a process for many of us, we have begun to rebuild and/or have rebuilt our lives for the good. We have come before you to raise our voices, that this problem exists and it is real. Please don't make us stand as Hester Prynnes before you. We're human. And we NEED YOU... we need you to listen. To open your hearts. To have you put your arms around us and tell us it will be okay. To show us how much value we hold. We don't wear Scarlet Letters... We wear badges of Courage, of Strength, and of Hope.
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