The Ex- Factor

Maybe the long distance relationship just wasn't working. Maybe they had some quirk that you couldn't deal with. Maybe your families just didn't mesh. Maybe there was an addiction or abuse or even infidelity. Whatever the case may be, that person is your EX for a reason.

I loved him... with all my heart. And to this day I hate to admit that I still do. That's how much I gave of myself. But love comes at a risk. It makes you vulnerable... and in the wrong cases, weak.

The end of last year was incredibly difficult in coping with so many issues life threw at me. Many times I found myself alone, trying to figure out why this all was happening. I kept my faith and allowed Heavenly Father to edify me in His countenance. I helped myself to become strong enough to be on my own, not needing the companionship of another. And then I got caught off guard...

These days I'm only in contact with my ex for business reasons. I happened to call about an important issue. I was silly to answer his return call a few minutes later... and then it all went downhill from there....

He told me things that any girl in my position would probably want to hear. He apologized for his actions when we were together, how he thought of me every day in his thoughts and dreams, told me of his family's feelings towards his new girlfriend (or fiance), his feelings for her, how he knew I was the one he was meant to marry and start a family with, and how he wished he could take everything back. He told me how he would love to make it work between us again, but it was just not feasible because of how my family felt after all I had been through. In a way, my heart longed to hear that... to know that he still wanted me. And once again he tried to capture my heart... the very heart he shattered into a million pieces.

I tried my best to be a friend and hear him out. I forgave him for all the things he did to try and break me. Yet my heart ached and tears fell with those words... and thoughts of the love I gave him belonging to someone else. Even if it were to happen again, the love would be tainted with misery and pain. My love for him had been so pure, yet his fear of commitment to just one person kept him from returning love in the same way. Why was he doing all this to me again? Is he being sincere? Does he truly love me? Can he change? Has he changed? He told me that he could be the man I needed - that he could fulfill all the points on my list for a potential husband. But the thing is... he is not the one in this time and place. There are yet so many things he has to work on to even come close to what I want and need. And who knows if he'll even be that person when I'm ready to start loving someone again.

He said I played games. And maybe I did, but maybe because he had me so torn and confused once again. And to top it all off, he had lied to me about his situation with his girlfriend/fiance. Who knows... he was probably lying to both of us, which really wouldn't surprise me. After an accidental call my phone had made while I was on the way home from a party, she answered his phone! Funny thing is, he never allowed me to even think about his phone. He hid it away or would bring it in the bathroom with him and lock it up because he didn't want me to find out of his unfaithfulness. Because of all that I happened to "stir up the household." But I was under the impression of their "understanding" that he was still in love with me and that he still had my heart. What a crock of lies!

He attempted to come up to my place to see me, which sounds romantic (romantic movies have ruined me for life!), but really stupid. As much as I wanted to see him one last time and hear the words of him fighting for us, I knew it wasn't in Heavenly Father's plan for me. I started to feel pain and darkness in my heart. These feelings are not of God's. He insisted anyway... but then did just what I thought he would do... he didn't follow through. In the time I was with him, he had never been a man of his word... and this moment confirmed just that. Then he denied everything he said or wrote me... all in front of his fiance... and twisted the story once again to make me out to be the liar and crazy person. Go figure.

In talking to her, it's pretty sad that he's still doing the same things with her... seeing as how yet another girl from his past has started to call again. Hmmmm...

He was the one playing games. He hadn't changed one bit.

Maybe he still does love me. Maybe I am still the one who he longs for and wishes that I was the one he was marrying. Maybe his apologies and stories were sincere. But I don't know... I don't think anyone ever will. But I do know that I will never allow him to make me feel so much pain again. He tried to get me this second time around, but I'm not willing to sacrifice eternal happiness for possibilities.

There's a reason for an ex being an ex. And a reason why that person should stay just that.



So if you're reading this, maybe one day we can truly be friends, but right now you don't even deserve that. I pray that one day you'll finally see the truth and happiness in the gospel that you know so much about, but neglect the principles of. I pray that you'll stop making excuses about not being in church and be man enough to face up to your faults and find humility to ask for forgiveness.



Ex-Factor
by Lauryn Hill


It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Hook:
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will



Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me

Enduring to the End...

Last night we learned a valuable lesson at Institute. Our institute teacher, Brother Monson, read us the story "The Nightingale and the Rose," by Oscar Wilde. For those of you wanting to read it, here's the link: http://www.literaturecollection.com/a/wilde/330/

We then proceeded to read Mark, Chapters 14-16 (The Atonement) and discussed it in detail.

Institute was then finished off with an object lesson. Brother Monson needed a volunteer with 4 characteristics:

1. The person cannot be a quitter
2. Strength is a factor
3. The person should have a high threshold for pain
4. The motive in being the volunteer must be pure.

I volunteered myself. I'm not a big fan of getting up in front of people and doing things, but I could say that I would go through pain and suffering for my friends. Besides, they had been my family away from my family when I felt alone. Why not?

The rewards: Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

The Challenge: 5 push-ups for everyone in the room

The Twist: 5 push-ups whether they wanted the doughnut or not.

Some said they didn't want one because they didn't want to see me suffer. When they figured out the purpose, some said Yes, and sometimes they wanted even 2 doughnuts! I paid the price for both the Yes'es and the No's... and double if they asked for seconds. My muscles started to grow weak, for I had to go all the way down and touch my nose to the floor and come back up. At one point I felt like I couldn't bring myself back up from the down position. But nobody could help me. I had do to this on my own. I volunteered myself. And it didn't matter whether they said yes or no. We got around 3/4 of the classroom, but I didn't have anything left.

This lesson ends in failure for everyone who attempts. It usually results in fatigue and pain, but nothing even close to what the Savior endured for us. He endured more pain that we can ever imagine just because He loved us... and He had to do it alone. Even Heavenly Father, Himself, could not be there while Jesus Christ died on the cross. Jesus asked for prayers that He might not fail. But those He asked fell asleep. He didn't have to suffer for us, but He wanted us to be happy.

We cannot physically endure the pains Christ suffered for us. Nobody, except he, would have been able to. He was chosen and gave his life for us.

I'm so grateful for the Atonement and how it has changed my life. For many times I fell, but have been forgiven and cleansed. Let us always remember the eternal gift of the Atonement... the ultimate sacrifice Christ gave us so that we might return to live with our Father in Heaven.

My First Marathon! 26.2 @ Walt Disney Baby!

Disney World Marathon - Results
Orlando, FL USA
January 11, 2009
Finishers: 14927, Males - 7793 , Females - 7134
Male Winner: 2:20:38 | Female Winner: 2:46:27
Average Finish Time: 5:08:09 | STD: 0:58:21


I had the most amazing weekend at Walt Disney World in sunny Orlando, Florida. I hadn't been to Disney since I was 8 years old, and this time returned to participate in the Walt Disney World Marathon. I got to see Disney in ways many people will never experience it...and all for a Great cause! I joined the Team In Training Marathon team (TNT MD) this season to help raise money for blood cancer research again with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. This year I added quite a few more Personal Honored Teammates to my roster.

The marathon was more than just a race. It was enduring 26.2 miles of pain and doubt. Let me just tell you that it was fun to see all the different theme parks in a different way. The characters were so much fun to see and take pictures with. But it wasn't all fun and games. About 18 miles into the run I started to hurt. My feet started to blister, my stomach wasn't digesting the nutrition I was putting in my body, I was starting to get dehydrated from the heat, and my body was shaking from the pain. I wanted to quit, especially at mile 20 after a pretty big hill. But I only had 6.2 miles to go. How selfish it would have been of me to quit then. I was in such extreme pain and was mentally fatigued (imagine... it was almost a full work day of running). But then I thought about all the cancer patients that fight every single day of their lives and endure harder and more painful trials than what I was experiencing. I thought about all the people I was running for...

The crowd, the characters and other participants helped to re-energize my thoughts and will power. But seeing all the purple jerseys around me and the purpose of why we were out there running helped me push through the doubt I had of finishing (even finishing before the cut off time) and all the pain. I met Wendy, from another Team In Training Chapter. We were both experiencing similar pains... and we vowed to finish together. And that we did.

This was such an emotional experience for me. I admit, I cried after I crossed the finish line. Most people know that I absolutely hate running. I chose the triathlon box from the TNT flyer when I first got involved with the LLS. A marathon was the last thing on my mind. And to cross the finish line at the Walt Disney World Marathon proved to myself that I could do anything... especially after all the turmoil in my life last year. But not only that, I have helped to save lives of thousands of people all over the world and a cure for blood cancers IS turning into a reality!

JOYCELYN CESPEDES, 07:02:55 @ Finish. Pace 16:07 . Walt Disney World Marathon and Half Marathon presented by CIGNA, Disney
Destinations LLC.

Thank you to the real heroes on our team: all the cancer patients and survivors.

Here is my list of Personal Honored Teammates:

*In memory of my cousin, Francis Agana, who lost the battle to Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma while I was still in middle school
*In honor of my uncle, Rey Castillo, a Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma survivor, and a member of the PAMET-VA family
*In honor of Mr. Arthur Feller, a Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma Survivor, who also lost his father to Non-Hodgkins.
*In honor of Mr. Willie Vasser, a family friend and leukemia survivor; and in memory of his son, Brian Vasser, who passed away from leukemia.
*In honor of Mrs. Berry C. Cannon, a cousin's Mother-in-Law and a leukemia survivor.
*In honor of Brother Harold Virgin, a lymphoma survivor and a part of my church family.
*In honor of Benjamin Montano, a family friend and Leukemia survivor.
*In honor of Shauna Mae Cancio, a patient and Leukemia fighter at CHKD in Norfolk, VA.
*In memory of Alex Fernandez, late husband of a family friend who lost the battle to Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. He also lost his brother, Javier to A.L.L.