I Choose

Please forgive me for posting this graphic and disturbing picture.  I saw it on my friend, Nick's, blog. (Photo Cred: Shanea Gaiger https://fstoppers.com/editorial/what-happens-when-viral-image-spreads-beyond-your-control-35983)  Nick is one of my running teammates, and has documented his thoughts on his struggle with different issues, including weight loss.

This picture stirs up a lot of repressed memories and tearful days.  I have always struggled with my weight.  I don't really remember a time when my legs didn't rub together.  The sad thing is, there were many days when I felt the same way this little girl did.  I can't really pinpoint exactly when it happened, or why, but I fell in love with food.  It brought comfort to me in many ways, and helped me cope with the internal struggles I faced.  And because of it, I was a chubby kid.  Those days brought much torment to me at such a young age.

Some of my worst memories took place as a member of the UIAT (United Ilocano Association of Tidewater), in Virginia Beach.  As a member of the UIAT, I was part of the Filipino Folk Dancing Group.  We performed traditional Filipino folk dances, as well as choreographed dances to popular themed songs (mainly Disney theme songs).

I'm the one in the yellow

I was surrounded by these girls who were taller; thinner.  And I got picked on for being fat.  I remember one particular year, my parents took my siblings and I to Europe for the summer.  When we got back, I got stuck having to go back to dance practice, against my will.  We were performing Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast that year.  Our costumes for Aladdin were Arabian themed (*shudder* I had to expose my non-flat tummy).  For Beauty and the Beast, all the groups were already filled, so I got stuck as Mrs. Potts.  During the dress rehearsal, the boys kind of ganged up on me.  Dressed in a Mrs. Potts costume, the leader of that pack came up to me and said, "That costume makes you look fatter than you already are."  Already self-conscious as I was, that comment stuck with me and resonated in my soul for a long time after that day.

I felt so un-beautiful.  I hated myself and how I looked.  I hid the pain in books, school, and  a smile.



I'd look through magazines, much like the little girl in the picture, and long to be like the models I saw in there.  Thin.  Beautiful.  Perfect. 


 In middle school, I finally lost my baby fat.  Playing field hockey, basketball, and running track kept the weight off in high school.

I still wasn't the skinniest of my friends.  I still longed to be slender like many of them were.  No matter what I did, I never looked like those girls in the magazines, and I could not get thin enough.  My self esteem took a couple of hits when my crushes back then chose the skinnier, more popular girls; bringing me back to the way I felt in that Mrs. Potts costume.


I eventually graduated from high school and left for college.  Thinking it wouldn't happen to me, I gained the freshman 15 and then some.  But because I went to a Division 3 school, I was able to play on the lacrosse team.  My weight still fluctuated, but I was finally able to get most of it off and stay at a healthy weight.


Stress and depression eventually got the best of me after graduating from college, as I was in an abusive relationship for quite a few years.  I lost my sense of self-worth and my self-esteem had plummeted.  My boyfriend, at the time, would tell me I'd need to lose 10 pounds here, or 15 pounds there.  Instead of being motivated to get the weight off, I just continued to eat away my pain and packed it on more.  I continued a pattern of self-loathing.  I reached the heaviest I had ever been.  I was too scared to even step on the scale, but my guess is I was around 185 - 190 lbs.  That's a lot of weight for a short girl like myself.  Again I'd look at all the thin girls and get jealous... and hate myself.

My boyfriend broke up with me before my first marathon in 2009.  After I crossed that finish line, I vowed to better myself.  I decided then to start learning to love myself again.  It wasn't until I learned gospel truths that I really understood how beautiful I was, and how much I was worth.  I was looking to the standards of society to rate how beautiful I was, when I found out that I was a beautiful and beloved daughter of God, worth more than rubies and gold! Ezra came along and confirmed just that.  He looked past my weight, and loved me for who I was - just the way I was.  I couldn't have been more grateful to have found someone who thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world.

To this day, I still struggle with my weight.  I may never have a tiny waist or flat stomach, but I have learned to love myself  as is.  I still strive to get more weight off to be a healthier person so as to provide a better quality of life for my future children, but I won't go to extreme lengths or unrealistic measures to attain those results.  I have learned to appreciate my body, and take better care of it.  And I have realized how amazing my body is - it is strong and has gone through tough challenges like triathlons and marathons.  I have learned that the scale does not define me; that my past does not define me; and that what society thinks of me does not define me. 



I want to put out there that in no way do I hate or judge women for being skinny, slender, or thin (and I don't advocate the behavior of hating on anyone for their weight or how they look). I think that if they feel beautiful that way, that's great!  I still think Victoria's Secret models are beautiful, just as much as the next girl who carries some extra weight (and that goes for guys, too).

I do wish more girls, boys, women, and men would look beyond society's standards on how they should look, and I wish more people would realize their worth and see how beautiful they really are.


Like India Arie's "I Choose Lyrics" says,

"(And I choose) to be the best that I can be.
(I choose) to be courageous in everything I do.
My past don't dictate who I am. I choose."

I choose.